Yip

This was over the character limit for Yelp -- actually, this is the first time I've ever written a Yelp review, positive or negative -- but to my humongous relief it passed once I removed the phrase "and Doritos". Unabridged version follows.

I honestly have never written a negative restaurant review on Yelp, but my visit to Riverluna this weekend was beset by such an unbelievable array of blunders and problems that it'd be ethically wrong not to. To be fair, the place was clearly short staffed; the servers were very nice people and (despite their weird suspicion directed towards customers, detailed below) genuinely apologetic for the horrendous state of the restaurant.

1) I ordered coffee. There was enough lukewarm coffee left in one air pot to fill my cup about halfway. The server apologized and said he'd brew more. 30 minutes later, still no coffee appears, so I go to the counter and ask again for coffee, this time from a different server. The coffee remains unbrewed, so he fixes me an Americano and then tells me it costs $2.50 I explain that I already paid for coffee half an hour ago and never actually received it. We end up debating this point for several minutes, but the original guy who took my order has disappeared somewhere and I end up feeling like I both pulled a petty scam and was done a huge favor.

2) It was a hot day and my girlfriend and I both asked for ice water. We are brought one glass of water, but just before it's placed on the table the server exclaims "this cup is dirty!" and rushes nervously back to the counter. He hurries back with another glass but this one is *much dirtier* -- like, there was visible, macroscopic debris clinging to the inside and outside of the glass. I don't know if the original glass was dirty, but the new one is so clearly dirty that it's hard to avoid the conclusion that intentionally or not he *went back for a dirtier cup*. I should also mention that the place was not air conditioned, which, while in itself not a bad thing, certainly added to the urgency of the water situation. About 30 minutes later when requesting coffee (see point one above), I ask again for two waters. No more water is forthcoming. I ask a third time once the coffee situation is resolved. Still no water; the server seems so overwhelmed and distracted that it's pretty clear the water is not going to happen. I sit back down and resume trading angry glances with the other defeated looking customers while shaking my head theatrically and mouthing the word "RIDICULOUS".

3) A Christmas carol was playing when we walked in. I believe it was "Holly Jolly Christmas". It's late May!

4) My girlfriend's food arrives after about a 15 minute wait. However, much like the situation with the coffee, the server is not convinced that this plate does belong to my girlfriend and asks her suspiciously several times what she ordered before reluctantly turning over the goods. We also witnessed this same thing happen with another couple who arrived well before us and who my girlfriend suspects by their body language are probably meeting illicitly; they do have sort of a sleazy, surreptitious air about them, or maybe I just resent them for not subtly warning us away as soon as we walked in the door. Anyway, I witnessed the server actually demand to see a receipt from these two before giving them their plate of food. Evidently, they have no system for determining which order goes to which table, unless you count having the cook -- a grim-looking middle aged man with a haunted look in his eye -- wander silently into the middle of the dining area holding the order while the waiters apologetically interrogate customers. For what it's worth, my girlfriend's Mexicali egg and sausage platter was actually quite tasty.

5) What kind of a name is "Riverluna"? The name and the logo (see picture) are both bizarre and unappetizing. Also, there are pictures of a child everywhere in the restaurant. Perhaps he is "Riverluna"? Or "River", or "Luna"? Were the restaurant not a den of horrors, I'd overlook it, but taken in context with everything else, it just adds to the overall despair of the place.

6) The Riverluna business model seems to be this: customers come and order food, customers wait in uncomfortable chairs in silence until they can no longer bear it, customers stalk out the door. They may leave with food or they may not; it's irrelevant, and a 50/50 shot. My food never comes. I ordered huevos rancheros. This is no intricate dish; this is a plate of eggs and beans. You scramble the eggs and put some beans next to them -- hey, huevo rancheros. Huevos rancheros can be assembled in under five minutes, scrambling included. But my order simply evaporates. After almost 45 minutes of waiting (long after my girlfriend has cleaned her plate) we ask for a refund. There is no argument or explanation forthcoming, no "it'll be ready in ___ minutes", no "can we get you something else?". The embarrassed resignation in the server's manner as he opens up the cash register drawer makes it seem as though they were simply waiting for this to happen the whole time, like the refund was the actual consummation of the entire exchange. We walk home and I eat a turkey sandwich and some Doritos.